


The First Time

by nzlqa



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: A whole lot of angst, Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Angst, Depression, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, M/M, Mental Health Issues, One Shot, Semi-smut, drugs (mentioned)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-13
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-09-17 06:17:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9309143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nzlqa/pseuds/nzlqa
Summary: Because the first times are also the last times you'll ever share with someone. Alternatively, a tale of two hearts in love and out of love.





	1. The First Time

The first time Wonwoo said “I love you” was at a quaint café in the middle of the autumn on their fifth date. It was out of the blue actually. The whole place was silent, accompanied by a series of mellow generic café music playing in the background. They were also both minding their own business; he was reading a book that was long overdue, while he was silently scrolling on his phone waiting for the other to speak to make it less silent.

The silence wasn’t bad, though, it happened every time they were together. It was somehow comforting and natural.

 So when he suddenly uttered it out of nowhere, he felt like he misheard him when the words were crystal clear.

_“I think I’m in love with you,”_ he said exactly. He paused from reading his book just to say those words.

“Did you hear what I just said?” Wonwoo put down his book, inserting a torn sheet of paper on where he left off as a makeshift bookmark. The only times he’d put his book down were when he had something important to say. It was one of those.

“You’re in love with me,” Mingyu echoed. Wonwoo smirked at him, and gave a soft chuckle. Oh, how he loved that chuckle of his—it mostly sounded like an exhale, and it never really made that much sound, but he knows he’s happy. His face most likely says it all, the curl of his lips, the crinkle of his nose, and how his eyes smiled.

“Mingyu,” he started, his fingers slowly creeping up to his. “I love you.” As the words escaped his lips, it felt foreign. But he knew that the world he knew suddenly felt smaller, and much like home. His world now looked like a boy with tousled dark hair who donned a pair of spectacles, and had too much time on his hands for reading books.

It felt like yesterday when he met him in the library, and he was forced to share a table with him since it was just too crowded and they ended up talking about numerous things instead. It felt like yesterday when he finally mustered up the courage to ask him out on the first date; he was practically croaking up the words, but thankfully Wonwoo got the gist. It felt like yesterday when he felt that he was slowly falling for him—loving every little thing he does down to every fiber.

He, too, wanted to say those words to him, but he felt that it was too early, or maybe it would end up getting unrequited. He wondered how Wonwoo managed to say those words to him so easily, when he would always feel a lump in his throat saying those things.

Mingyu took a long deep breath, intertwining their fingers, and met his gaze. “I love you too,” he managed to say without his tongue twisting or his heart pounding out of his chest; it felt sincere and honest.

 

The first time they kissed was in Wonwoo’s little apartment. It was in the middle of the night; they were sitting next to each other on an old couch with a freshly washed blanket draped on them while watching whatever they could catch on the TV.

At some point, Mingyu lost interest in what they were watching, so he averted his eyes on Wonwoo, whose head was leaning against his shoulder. He realized that he wasn’t watching as well, since his eyes were sealed shut and he was snoring softly.

He watched how his chest rose and fell with every breath, and how he shifted slightly so he could feel his every move. Even in the darkness, he could see how beautiful he was. He looked beautiful with the soft glow of the television reflecting on his skin, and he looked angelic even when he was asleep.

He fixated his eyes on his soft lips, which were slightly agape. He always wanted to know the feeling of his lips on his—but he never found the right moment. But somehow, he found himself slowly moving closer to Wonwoo’s face. He tilted his chin with his fingers to move his head closer, but then he groaned awake.

He swiftly removed his fingers and avoided his gaze. Admittedly, he was embarrassed at his actions. He had slept with so many people, and kissed a bountiful more before, but why did he suddenly chicken on kissing Wonwoo?

“Why did you stop?” His voice was still raspy from sleep.

 Mingyu chewed on his bottom lip, racking his brain for an excuse. “I guess, I was just scared,” he admitted. He didn’t know why, but he always didn’t want to mess anything up for him. He was just too special to him that he always made sure everything was perfect.

He had always envisioned that they would share their first kiss with each other under the moonlight, or some other generic romantic scenario—not in the middle of the night watching TV.

“Of what?”

“I don’t know.”

“Just kiss me,” Wonwoo said sternly. “Please.”

Mingyu faced Wonwoo, their faces gradually closing distance. They could feel each other’s warm breaths against their skin.

When their lips had finally touched, it felt almost surreal. When their lips moved, they never were in sync in the beginning, but he finally matched his pace with his—slow but tender and full of passion. He felt Wonwoo smile into the kiss, which inevitably made him smile too. Mingyu clung onto Wonwoo’s shoulder, while the older ran his fingers through his hair.

When they pulled away, they were both out of breath. They rested their heads on each other’s foreheads, and Mingyu kissed the tip of Wonwoo’s nose.

They fell asleep next to each other on Wonwoo’s old couch, cuddling up against one another.

 

The first time Wonwoo introduced him as his boyfriend was at a party his friends hosted. It was one of those parties where everyone got shitfaced drunk or stoned—or probably both. He personally had a distaste for those kinds of parties, and he would usually find himself sitting in one corner of the house half drunk, while everyone would be screaming or pushing him to smoke a joint, which he would eventually refuse, and he would just end up going home early without anyone even noticing. But, for Wonwoo, he would do anything.

“This is my boyfriend,” he motioned towards Mingyu, who was steps away from him. He walked closer to him and waved them hello. “This is Mingyu.” It was a bit strange hearing the words ‘my boyfriend’ and ‘Mingyu’ in one sentence, but it felt endearing to know that he was someone in his life.

He felt somehow intimidated by his friends, that even if he was about 6 feet tall, he felt like curling up into a ball when he saw them. Even though Wonwoo assured him that they were nice people in the car ride to get there, he still felt anxious meeting them. It was kind of like meeting someone’s parents for the first time and you had to make a good impression or else the whole relationship is done for. But Wonwoo’s friends have been with him ever since he was young, and these people knew him better than anyone else.

“Mingyu this is Soonyoung,” he pointed over at the boy with bleach blond hair, who already had a bottle of beer in his hand. He extended his hand over at him, and he gladly shook it.

“Nice to meet you, Mingyu,” he enthusiastically said, automatically, his face beamed into a wide smile. “Feel free to drink as much alcohol as you can, bro,” he patted his back. He leaned over to Wonwoo, and gave him a nod that only they could understand. “If you two have a little too much fun, you could always use the guest room—third drawer on the right’s got what you need,” he winked at both of them.

Mingyu just laughed at his devious imagination, and Wonwoo just asked him to get lost.

“This is Jihoon,” he pointed at another boy who with a short stature. He found it a little awkward that he had to look up to him just to meet his eyes.

“So you’re the fellow Wonwoo won’t shut up about,” he started. “Wonwoo never really talked about anything else but you and it got really annoying, I’m glad I finally met you so he can shut up,” he shot a gaze at Wonwoo who looked so guilty about everything.

“Glad to meet you too,” Mingyu kindly said to him.

His friends were awfully nice to him, and he wished he never thought of them as intimidating as they were one of the nicest people he has ever met. Soonyoung often came back to him to offer him various liquors, and Jihoon made sure to tag him along to every drinking game.

Sometime by 12AM, they already got so drunk that they were laughing while dancing with each other to some pop song they don’t even know the lyrics to. They even sang a couple of rounds at the karaoke, stumbling over the words and barely even getting the tone right.

By 3AM, some were already passed out on the floor, drunk, and someone was spouting nonsense from getting so high, while they were in the guest room Soonyoung referred to earlier that night, making out on a king-sized bed.

Mingyu eyes Wonwoo, who was beneath him, face red from blushing, beads of sweat on his forehead making his hair stick on it, and his eyes half lidded. Even in that state, he was beautiful, and he couldn’t wait to get his hands on him.

“Fuck, you’re so beautiful,” he said, caressing his cheek. Wonwoo melts with his touch.

He leans in again down on him and bit his lip, making him moan, he swiftly slipped his tongue into his mouth, exploring his mouth. He tasted like the liquor he had too much of earlier, and he felt like he was going to get even more drunk just on his taste.

The younger decided to abandon his lips to move on over to his jaw, and down to his neck. He left soft, wet kisses on them, until he decided to paint his neck with bruises. He bit down on a sensitive spot on his neck, the older hissed and moaned in pleasure, pulling his hair in the process. He sucked on where he bit, and kissed it delicately. He did it plenty more times, until he was satisfied with his newly crafted masterpiece.

Mingyu returned his lips back to Wonwoo, while he slowly unbuttoned his shirt. When the material was fully discarded; he threw it at some unknown corner of the room. He kissed him down to his collarbones, which he loved, and traced the outline of his chest. He had to stop just to admire his body—he was completely astounded by the beauty he possessed, all he could do was mutter ‘you’re so beautiful’ over and over again, making Wonwoo blush.

He left kisses all over his body, and made sure he never left a spot; leaving marks at random. Wonwoo yanked the hem of his shirt and helped the younger take off his shirt. This time, he took his sweet time to touch him and outline his torso, memorizing every dip and curve on his body. He admired the younger’s chiselled figure, and fawned over the majesty of his body. The younger leaned down to kiss him again.

Wonwoo’s hand had accidentally brushed down Mingyu’s pants, where his increasingly aching bulge was situated—he impulsively grinded down on him—which made the both of them simultaneously moan, realizing their growing need for each other.

“Fuck me already,” Wonwoo groaned in between breaths.

 

That night was the first time they made love—moaning each other’s names like a prayer as they came. It was an all new level of ecstatic; a craving satisfied. Exhausted, they intertwined their naked bodies, with the sound of their heartbeat and ragged breaths as their lullaby as they slowly drift into sleep.

 

The first time they fought was a little too scary. Mingyu thought he was going to lose him.

Wonwoo was very busy with schoolwork; he had himself isolated from everyone else—including Mingyu for a couple of weeks in order to get the job done. A few texts were exchanged here and there, and they had some coincidental meetings in campus which allowed him to check up on Wonwoo.

A thought had crossed into Mingyu’s head one night—since Wonwoo was feeling stressed lately, he thought of surprising him in his apartment to give him some relief. He could bring him his favourite food, some movies, and with his company, he can help him blow off some steam.

He stopped by the nearest convenience store and got him a couple of snacks and some ice cream, and wrote a little note to cheer him up. He drove over to his apartment, making sure to park a block away so he wouldn’t suspect.

Before knocking on the front door, Mingyu plastered a grin on his face and prepared himself for the reactions Wonwoo was going to have. _He’s going to be so happy when he sees me_ , he thought. With that confidence, he cheerfully knocked on his door.

About two minutes later, there wasn’t any response so he knocked again. _Maybe he was asleep?_ He couldn’t have; it was only 9PM, and everyone knows Wonwoo doesn’t get sleep until like 5AM. A minute later, he heard the door click, and he readied himself again. The door opened only to reveal a tired Wonwoo whose hair was sticking out everywhere and had bags under his eyes.

“What do you want?” Wonwoo sneered; he was practically glaring at him as if he’d done a heinous crime.

Mingyu gulped. He never saw him in such state before, he was actually scared. “I—uh got you your favourite food to help you cheer up a bit,” he offered him the plastic bag that contained the convenience store goods. “And maybe…you’d like to have me over to help you relieve stress…?”

“Look, Mingyu I appreciate your effort, and all that stuff,” Wonwoo started. By his tone, he knew this was going to end at a rough road. “But, you’re literally the last person I wanted to see today.” He said coldly.

Mingyu felt a lump in his throat from his remark, his brain completely going blank. It never crossed his mind that he was going to respond negatively. “B-but I thought,” he tried to redeem his acts.

“Yes, you thought, but Mingyu, I really need to do this for my own sake, I need this so badly and I really don’t need anyone—not even you, right now.” He said in a harsh tone. “Just leave me alone, okay?”

He couldn’t even look him straight in the eye; he just nodded reluctantly and started to move backwards. “I’ll just go then…I’m sorry,” he slowly turned back and walked himself to the car. When he turned around to catch a glimpse of him, he saw that he was still at the door, watching him leave. “Good luck,” he yelled, and he managed to force himself into a smile.

\--

The next day he woke up with about 10 missed calls from Wonwoo and a couple of texts from him apologizing and asking him to call back. He immediately did.

“Hello?”

“Hi—oh my God, Mingyu, look I’m so sorry I was such an asshole last night,” he said hastily. He could hear his breath shaking too. “I was such a selfish asshole. I just really wanted to get it over with and graduate. I couldn’t sleep thinking how much of an asshole I was to you and I just wanted to make it up to you as soon as I finish this.”

Mingyu giggled.

“What’s with the giggling?” He asked with a soft chuckle that caught him off guard.

“You’re cute when you’re upset—you ramble a lot.”

“You’re not mad at me or anything?”

“Of course not, I love you, you asshole.”

“I love you too.” It was strange, but Mingyu felt like he heard him smile through the phone. Maybe he was smiling, because he was smiling too.

 

The first time they talked about their future together was at Wonwoo’s apartment which they eventually shared, a year after Mingyu had graduated. That time, they both had jobs that sufficed them with their daily needs. Everything was perfect and it was everything he could imagine. Living with him meant seeing him every day, and not having to miss him every once in a while.

They were both in bed, sitting down next to each other, not even changing out of their dress shirts that they used for work. It was a Friday, so they thought they would reward themselves after an exhausting week from work. With a can of beer in hand, they aimlessly discussed their future plans.

“When we earn a shit ton of money, I’m gonna move us out of here and move us into a nice house,” Mingyu said, taking a swig of beer afterwards.

“That’d be nice,” Wonwoo laughed. “I’m imagining waking up to the smell of you cooking breakfast on a Sunday.”

“But I do that every day,” Mingyu protested, hitting his back in the process. He did—Wonwoo would always wake him up, since he’s a heavy sleeper, complain he was getting hungry, and he would cook breakfast for the both of them, while the older went into slumber again until Mingyu would wake him up.

“Yeah, but like in a different ambiance,” Wonwoo added. They both laughed at his silly excuse for forgetting.

“You ever thought about having kids?” Wonwoo asked out of the blue. Mingyu nearly choked on his beer. “I know it’s a strange thought, and we’re too early in our relationship to be talking about that, and we don’t even know if they’re ever going to allow us to adopt, but imagine it. I feel like you’re going to be a great dad.”

Mingyu smiled as he pictured them in their nearby future having children. Admittedly, it was one of his dreams to start a family. He felt all warm inside just imagining it; he probably smiled like an idiot, too. He had never pictured his future with anyone else with the exception of Wonwoo.

“I bet you would be too,” Mingyu replied. “Imagine them running around, waking us up early in the morning excited to go to the amusement park. Their dads would spoil them so much,” Mingyu teased.

He could imagine it vividly—about two kids running around the house on a weekend yelling at their parents to wake up because they wanted to go to an amusement park. Mingyu would happily cook breakfast for his family, while Wonwoo would calm them down to eat. On the car ride there, the kids would be loud and too energetic for them to shush. The kids would drag their parents into riding so many rides and persist on getting matching headbands to wear while they’re at it. On the car ride home, the two would be sleeping soundly at the back. If the future they pictured was going to look like that, he just wanted to fast forward time and get on with it already.

Wonwoo gripped Mingyu’s hand tightly, held it up and kissed it—a gesture that never failed to make him swoon. “I’m so lucky to have you,” Wonwoo lovingly gazed into his eyes. “If one day I ask your hand in marriage, would you say yes?” Wonwoo asked yet another surprising question.

Thinking about it, there was no one else he’d rather spend the rest of his life with other than Wonwoo. Just when he first laid eyes on him, he knew he was someone special. To imagine that he would be forever his in the future was a lot to wrap his head around.

Mingyu, who was taken aback, just sat there in shock until he remembered he had to reply. “Of course, but like, what would our parents think?”

“Mingyu, you met my parents during graduation, and they thought you were a really sweet boyfriend. I met your parents during your graduation, and they loved me. They’re going to be the most supportive parents ever.”

“Is this an indirect marriage proposal?” Mingyu shyly asked. He felt like blushing even just by the mention of it.

“Think of it as a survey,” Wonwoo joked.

They continued on talking about their future plans, from buying house plants, to the names of their future pet cats.

Every time Mingyu looked at Wonwoo when he talked, his eyes sparkled. His eyes also lit up that way when he’d tell him about the books he read. He was so passionate in talking about the future they wanted together and that made him just want to fall in love with him even more.

“There’s really no one else I imagined my future with other than you,” Mingyu confessed. Wonwoo smiled a smile so genuine and happy, he never saw it before.

Wonwoo plants a chaste kiss on Mingyu’s lips to last the night.

 

\--

There comes a point in time when it just didn’t feel the same way it was the first time. When you ask someone about how they could love somebody for a lifetime, they would answer similarly—“Because it always feels like the first time.”

What he felt was kind of like when you say a word over and over again until it sounds silly, or it completely loses meaning. “I love you” just didn’t feel right on his tongue anymore. Every time he holds his hand there just wasn’t warmth anymore. When he’d kiss him, it just felt like something brushing against your lips. Even when they’d have sex—it just wasn’t as passionate and ecstatic anymore.

He never thought he’d see the day he would lose the love he was feeling for him, yet there he was contemplating about his true feelings. He feared that a day like this would come, but he didn’t know it would come so soon.

He felt selfish because maybe he was the only one feeling this way. So, he tried to make it work.

Wonwoo started worrying about him when there were days he looked really unhappy.

“Love, what’s wrong? You really look upset these days, you know you can always tell me anything,” he offered.

_“Maybe I don’t love you the same way I did before,”_ he wanted to say, but that would be too blunt, and he never wanted to hurt him. He was too precious to break, and he knew better than breaking his heart.

“Just distracted with work,” he said instead. A white lie that never meant to hurt, but why did he feel a pierce in his heart every time he’d cover up his pain?

Wonwoo sighed at him. “Okay,” he said. “I love you.” He said, like always, pouring out all the love he had for him, saying it like he really meant it.

It was as if every time he wanted to say it, the words just wouldn’t come out. His tongue would get tied, and it just didn’t feel right anymore. Was ‘love’ even a word at this point?

“You too.”

 

The first time he broke Wonwoo’s heart was at a dinner he prepared specially for him. Wonwoo couldn’t cook to save his life. So he ordered some food Mingyu loved. Mingyu was surprised that he had prepared dinner for him to come home to. Maybe it was one of the few times his heart was warmed.

“I prepared all this for you, ‘cos you told me you’ve been upset with work lately,” Wonwoo pulled out a chair for Mingyu to sit on. He had a huge grin on his face like he had done something really special.

He felt sorry for making him go through such an effort when it was all some lie to cover up his torment. But, he appreciated the gesture.

 

After dinner, they just sat there talking about how their day went for them. Mingyu lied about having a rough day at work when everything went perfectly fine. The plan was just to feed him with even more lies until he could bear it. It was all going smooth, until Wonwoo brought up something else.

“Hey, remember that night when we talked about our future together?” Wonwoo asked.

He felt a little uneasy. He always thought he was his future, but it felt like a blurry picture now. Like a Polaroid image fading from age.

“Yeah,” he reluctantly nodded. “That’s like a year ago from now.” A year ago back then, he had vividly pictured the future he wanted for them. The future he never imagined with anyone else. It was strange how his hopes and plans for the future would be gone in a blink on an eye.

“Well, I thought about it and I never imagined a more perfect moment than now,” Wonwoo paused. He felt his heart beat out of its chest. He didn’t know if he was going to be excited or anxious about it.

“Kim Mingyu, I love you with all my heart—will you spend the rest of your life with me in marriage?” He pulls out a glimmering golden ring that was probably worth more than his life. He thought about how much he worked his ass off for it, and the thought and effort he exerted into planning that moment. Knowing Wonwoo, he must have had a speech ready, even. But it was all going to waste.

He felt like he was being suffocated—like he was sinking lower and lower down a bottomless ocean and there was no way out. He loved him. He did. He considered that maybe marriage was going to change everything, but he realized it also meant going deeper in his self-debate on whether he truly loves him or not. It was just pure toxic to him that just thinking about him makes him uneasy—he had to let him go. Wonwoo didn’t deserve someone like him; he deserved a whole lot better.

If Wonwoo never pointed it out, he never would have realized that he was crying. It felt like a whirlwind of emotions washed over him and he didn’t know what to feel anymore so he was reduced to tears.

“I’m sorry,” Mingyu choked out in between sobs.

“You don’t have to feel--”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this,” he calmed himself. “I can’t do this,” he said again with a firmer tone.

Wonwoo was just in pure shock and confusion that he just fell silent. A tear rolled down his cheek, and another, and another. He bit on his lower lip to silence himself. He realized that it was the first time he ever saw Wonwoo cry; he had never seen it—not ever.

He felt really bad seeing him like this. The love he had left for him was enough to make him feel like an asshole to make him cry. He never wanted to hurt him, but it was the only way to stop him from sinking any deeper.

He felt so sorry for Wonwoo, who never did anything wrong, who believed the man he loved was in love with him too, whose future just crashed and burned right in front of his very eyes.

He took a long, deep breath. “I just don’t love you the same way as I did before.” He couldn’t look him in the eye; he just stared down at his fingers as he fidgeted.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” His voice and his breath trembled as he spoke. Mingyu felt a pain in his chest when he heard his vulnerable voice. It was so different from that deep, but warm voice; now it sounded like despair.

“I never wanted to hurt you,” he said silently that it was almost like a whisper.

“So if this never happened you’re just going to keep pretending that you love me, huh?” He sounded angry this time.

Honestly, it was true. He just wanted to play along until he could. “I—I guess so.”

“Mingyu, look at me,” he demanded. He did—and he saw someone he’d never thought he would see; Wonwoo looked so broken; it was as if someone had stripped his soul away from him. It tore him apart to see him like that. “Tell me honestly; was I not enough for you?”

He never wanted Wonwoo to blame himself for what he was feeling. He was perfect in every way possible; he was everything he had ever wanted and more. He never did anything wrong—it was his entire fault. He was the one to blame.

“Don’t blame yourself. I’m in the wrong here okay,” he paused to take a breath. “Listen, I just kept growing tired of the same shit every day, I don’t feel anything for you anymore. I tried—I really tried to get that feeling back…but I couldn’t. I’m sorry.”

“You promised we would get married, and that house, our future kids—were all those just more of your lies?”

“I meant every word I said before,” he reassured him. “I really did.”

Everything fell dead silent. It wasn’t that comforting silence anymore; it became deafening. It was like radio static personified.

“Mingyu,” Wonwoo broke the silence. “The first thing you do tomorrow morning, when you wake up, pack your things and leave, don’t leave anything that is of your possession. But make sure you do it when I’m asleep; I don’t want to see you go.”

That was it, then. That was goodbye. Even when he wanted to break free from the ocean that drowned him breathless, a part of him never wanted to see the surface ever again. But he wanted this, didn’t he? He wanted to get out of his life because he fell out of love with him. He wanted to stop pretending that he loved him. He wanted to leave him so he could find someone else who deserved him. But when he was put in the situation himself, he found it hard to leave.

“I could just leave right now,” he suggested. _Why prolong the agony,_ he thought.

“No, stay,” Wonwoo begged. “Just for one last time, stay.”

 

 

 

\--

The last time he saw Wonwoo, he looked different. People do say that heartbreak drastically changes a person—and it does.

Mingyu had dated in and out for the past few months ever since he had broken up with Wonwoo. The thrill and the excitement was there the first time around, and so were the longing and the emptiness that came along with it.

With every new person he meets up for a date, he would always think that maybe they would be ‘the one’ over and over again. But every single one was just temporary, or maybe they just wanted to hook up with him. He could never make them last like _him._ They couldn’t make him feel the same way as _him._

There wasn’t a time when he felt miserable for losing a person like Wonwoo. He felt stupid and selfish for acting the way he did. He would ponder on the infinite possibilities that would happen if he had said yes to marrying him instead. But everything was done already, and if he never did it he would have just been unhappy as time goes by.

_But still._

Admittedly, he missed him when he saw things that reminded him of Wonwoo. The books on his shelf that he never even bothered to read, the cafés he passed by, and even the little kids running around the street. Every single thing reminds him of Wonwoo, even himself.

Ever since he left, the tiny bed he had for himself felt so much bigger, and he realized how silent it was without the sound of his soft snores and tiny mumbles he did when he slept. When he woke up and made breakfast, he realized he made a meal for two like he always did. And the world suddenly became much bigger and scarier since he had to face it alone.

-

One day, he left the comforts of his tiny apartment to go take a walk in the park. It was springtime—he wanted to see the flowers in bloom, take his mind off things (Wonwoo), and watch everyone else be happy in hopes that it would rub off on him.

He blindly trudged along the park, lost in his own thoughts, distracted by the pretty flowers that he came across to. He was too busy minding his own business when he accidentally bumped into another person.

 “Sorry,” he muttered.

“Kind of like the last words you said to me, Kim Mingyu,” the voice sent shivers down his spine. The voice felt all too familiar, and felt too much like home. He didn’t know if he should panic, or if he should stay—because the owner of the voice was none other than Jeon Wonwoo.

He looked different now. He had dyed his hair a different color, cut his hair a bit shorter and he wore contacts instead of his glasses. He looked way happier than he was before. But he was still the Jeon Wonwoo he loved.

How should he talk to him? Should he leave? Should he ask him about his day? Ask him about how his life is going so far? All so many questions running in his head but he only longed to say one thing to him ever since he left. _“I missed you.”_

“Hey,” he said shyly. _“I’m really sorry. I’ve been so miserable ever since I left. Can’t we go back? Give me another chance, and I swear I won’t hurt you anymore.”_

“Hey,” Wonwoo echoed. “What are you doing here?”

_“Trying to forget you.”_ He took too long to answer. “Just wanted to go outside, you?”

“Oh, I’m with my boyfriend.” He blankly stated as if it was nothing.

All he could manage to reply was a single “Oh.”

That was why he looked happier; he had someone else to make him happy. Part of him wanted to be happy for him because he actually has someone now that makes him happy. The larger part of him was envious that someone else had made him happier than he ever did. It felt awkward standing there with the person he used to love who now had somebody else in his life. If the world was fair, he wished he was as miserable as he was so he could feel his pain. But it doesn’t work like that.

“Well, I’d love to stay and chat, but I have to go look for him now. It’s been nice seeing you again,” he talked to him like a regular person—and that hurt more than anything else. But, he deserved it.

_“No, stay.”_ Wonwoo’s voice replayed in his mind. If his life was some drama on TV, he would have grabbed his hand to prevent him from leaving, but he had to let him go. Whoever was writing his fate was probably having a laugh at the moment. The tables have turned—now he wanted him to stay.

“Bye.” A word that felt difficult to say—it still felt difficult as that day he left him.

“I love you,” Mingyu’s tongue had slipped. It was almost like his brain was hotwired to say ‘I love you’ every time he saw Wonwoo. He wanted to disappear for an eternity for accidentally blurting that out. He hoped he never heard it, at the same time he wished he heard it crystal clear and know that he meant it.

He realized now why Wonwoo asked him to leave when he slept, so he couldn’t see him. As silly as it sounds, it actually hurt to watch someone literally walk away. It hurts even more to know that he was going to walk away into the hands of another man. He watched him walk further into the distance until all he could see was a small image of his back.

He turned away and continued on walking down the path in hopes that they’d bump into each other again.


	2. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wonwoo lied.

Ever since the night Mingyu had confessed he didn’t love him anymore, he felt restless, and crestfallen, and admittedly, depressed. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with him, raise kids with him, grow old, and even die together with him. But it turns out, his feelings weren’t reciprocated.

That night, he didn’t sleep actually—he witnessed him as he literally walked out of his life. He wanted to feel the excruciating pain of having someone leave you. When he heard about him falling out of love, he knew he had to let him go even if he wasn’t ready, even if he never wanted him to leave in the first place. He wanted him to try a little bit more and love him again. But he loved him too much so he set him free for him to be happy again.

 He never really moved on. He never met with anybody and rarely went outside aside from work. He tried drastically changing the way he looked. He couldn’t even sleep or eat that much because everything reminded him of Mingyu. He put in all efforts he could do to move on, but how could he ever forget someone like Kim Mingyu, who made him feel things he had never felt before with anyone else. How could he throw all those memories away?

He never got rid of the engagement ring he bought for him. Instead, he wore it himself so he could have a piece of him wherever he went—it was like he never left. He keeps thinking that one day he would come back to him, and he wouldn’t hesitate to let him back again. He would never grow tired of waiting for that day to come. But then again, he probably had moved on with somebody else.

-

One day, in the middle of spring, it was one of the few times he went outside. The sun was shining, the flowers were in bloom—it was the perfect time to head out for a stroll. Taking a nice, casual walk out in nature reminded him of the spring he first met Mingyu in that packed library, and it was also one of the few ways to deal with his depression, as his therapist had suggested.

While walking around, trying to pretend he was actually enjoying his stroll, a familiar tall figure caught his eye. He never changed—not even a single bit—and it reminded him of the days they spent together. Sometimes he forgets that he wasn’t with Mingyu anymore, and he didn’t love him anymore, but seeing his face again brought a smile on his face. His happiness was him and him alone.

Taking advantage of him lost in his thought, he intentionally bumped into him just so he could hear the voice he’d been longing to hear.

“Sorry,” he muttered under his breath. His voice was soft like how he always remembered it.

He thought of something witty to say, something that Mingyu knows he would most likely say. “Kind of like the last words you said to me, Kim Mingyu,” he teased. That was sure to catch his attention.

He looked up to face him, and there he was up close. He was still so beautiful. It took every bit of his strength not to kiss him right there and then, but he really wanted to. He wanted to crash into his arms and stay there so he could never leave again. Instead, he stiffly stood there waiting for the other, who was still probably in shock, to break the silence.

“Hey,” he deadpanned. _Maybe he wasn’t interested in seeing him again, maybe he wanted to avoid him, and maybe this wasn’t a good idea._

“Hey,” he replied cheerfully to bring a little life into the conversation. _“I missed you.”_ He still looked uninterested, so he felt glum. _He really did move on, huh?_ “What are you doing here?” He tried to keep the conversation going just so he could spend just a little more time with him.

“Just wanted to go outside, you?” He replied blankly.

 _“Trying to remember us.”_ In his entire life, not once did he ever lie to Mingyu, perhaps it was the first time he ever did, and he regrets it. He just looked so apathetic that he thought it was best to stay out of his life. “Oh, I’m with my boyfriend.”

He wanted to tell him right then and there that there was no boyfriend—it was all just a lie. _“I never met anyone else after you. Please come back. I still love you no matter what.”_

“Oh.”Was all he had to say; not even “I’m so happy for you,” or “I hope you two are happy”—nothing. Just one syllable and it was barely even a word. He really did lose all the love he had for him while his heart still beats for him.

“Well, I’d love to stay and chat, but I have to go look for him now. It’s been nice seeing you again,” the truth was his boyfriend was right in front of him, but he wasn’t the guy he used to know. He was just a different person; he had to look for him again, if he ever comes back.

He didn’t want to hear him say goodbye, the same way he didn’t want to watch him leave, so he immediately turned back and started walking again.

“I love you.”

Was he hearing things? No, Mingyu really had said it, and he never thought he would hear those words again. He probably looked like an idiot trying to stop his tears from falling by clenching his fist and biting his lip. He walked quickly to avoid anybody’s gaze—he really shouldn’t be crying right now—he had contacts on for God’s sake.

He wanted to go back out there and tell him that he loved him too, but he chose otherwise.

Going farther, he realized that this was what Mingyu had felt when he left. He had a choice to go back and apologize for everything, but he chose to never look back again. When he came marching back into his life, he probably wanted to go even farther, and forget he ever happened in the first place.

So, he walked even further, still hoping he’d come back running into his arms again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long time, no see! here's something new i wanted to try out, if you like it, there will be more coming!! i've been experimenting with other ships that i ship, so expect that???? haha. this was literally just something to blow off steam cos i've been bottling it up lately ;-; anywayssss, y'all know the drill, leave kudos, comments, and/or critiques below, would love to hear from every single one of you! thank you! see you soon! ♡✧( ु•⌄• ) ;; update: i made a playlist as a way of thanking everyone !! if u would like to suggest comments are appreciated ;; 
> 
> playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/nzlqa/playlist/7DBPBRZma5xkA83MUjgFjy 


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